At the beginning of my marriage with Rob, he gave me the option of becoming a stay-at-home mother. His multimedia business already kicked off the ground, and money could practically be working for him, so we would not need to worry about it. I agreed readily, considering I wanted to be available during my daughter’s formative years. Hence, for seven years, I rarely had time for myself and spent most of it taking care of my family.
When Nina (my daughter) entered first grade, I suddenly found myself with nothing to do at home. Rob would be out in the morning and come back around dinnertime, so I was alone most of the time. Then, as if the opportunity decided to give me another chance, my former boss called me and asked if I wanted to partner with her with the new clothing business she had in mind. I got my husband’s blessing to work again, and so I grabbed it.
Balancing Work And Family (Miserably)
Getting back in the business game made me realize how much I missed it. I loved working with people; I had so many ideas on making this clothing business successful. Rob understood enough to take on the pickup duty for our kid a few times a week since I was busy working.
After the launch, I unexpectedly became busier as we had photoshoots, finance meetings, and branding deals to handle. There would be times when I would come home around midnight, and my husband and my daughter were already fast asleep. Even on weekends, I also had to work more often than not.
On a rare occasion to join my family for dinner, Nina raised her concern that she never saw me anymore. Rob seconded that, and I promised that I would make more time for them.
“Just give me a few more months, and then I’ll be home more often,” I said.
But promises were perhaps always meant to be broken, considering those months turned to two years. I missed a lot of milestones in my loved ones’ lives. I felt guilty every time, but I made sure to shower them with gifts. I thought everything would turn out fine after that until my husband told me that he filed for divorce one night.
“Why? Is there someone else?” I demanded.
“No, there isn’t. Do you even know what day it was yesterday?” Rob countered.
It took me a while to realize that it was our anniversary, and I totally forgot about it. I tried to explain my side, but Rob did not have it. He left the house on the same night and told me that he would return in the morning to collect the papers I needed to sign.
I cried for hours that night. I had to sign the papers because it would be selfish to keep Rob in a relationship where he no longer felt wanted and loved. Of course, I loved him so much, but it was undoubtedly my fault for being too ambitious with my work. When I heard that the divorce was finalized months later, I fell into depression.
How do I get through the emotional pain of divorce?
From the get-go, you need to understand that having intense negative feelings sometimes is acceptable, especially if you have just come from an unhealthy relationship. Allow yourself to deal with all these feelings so that you can stop holding resentment towards your ex and move forward. Still, you need not do it alone. You undoubtedly have friends and family who offer you a shoulder to cry on, so let them do that. Their constant presence in your life may even distract you from your heartaches.
Similarly, use this time to prioritize yourself. Are there activities you have always wanted to do but have not tried because your partner has been holding you back? What is the most relaxing thing for you? And even when your ex tests your patience all the time, you need to act like the bigger person and remain as calm as possible.
How does divorce affect you emotionally?
Divorce can either make it challenging for you to trust another person or open the floodgates to all your pent-up emotions.
How do you deal with divorce anxiety?
- Learn about the divorce process. What are you expected to say during the hearing? How long will you be battling it out in court? How much will you need to spend? When you know all the little details about it, your anxiety may go down.
- Try not to turn your back on any situation, no matter how stressful it may be. The quicker you face it, the fewer problems you will have in the future.
- Remember that you need not hide your grief from others and pretend to be okay. People will be weirded out more if you keep on insisting that everything’s cool when they all know that you are going through a divorce.
- Look for a new hobby that you find seriously interesting. Friends’Friends’ recommendations may not work at this time because it should be something that you love.
- Be optimistic and believe that splitting up is the best decision for you and your partner. That is especially true if you can no longer stand each other.
- Get counseling or therapy if need be.
How do you cope when your marriage ends?
- When your marriage ends, the primary coping mechanism is creating a list of agendas that need to be completed daily. Realistically, breaking up is not a hi-and-bye thing, especially if you have kids to explain the situation. Prioritize everything you must take care of so that you won’t go down the depression lane immediately.
- The end of a marriage may be easier to accept when you no longer see any object that will make you remember your ex. In that case, get a big box and start stuffing it with items you used to share (e.g., photographs, couple shirts, etc.).
- Keep in mind that your marriage’s end does not mean that you are a loser or someone who does not deserve love. You should start thinking the opposite so that you can move on and hopefully find new love.
- Allow others to help you overcome your issues. It may be challenging to open up about the reason(s) behind the breakup at first, but it is one of the few ways to deal with it.
What can you not do during a divorce?
- You cannot start the divorce proceedings with the thought that you can represent yourself in court. That is especially true if you want to make specific demands and do not know how to do that.
- You cannot let your ex get ahold of your financial documents or credible evidence of why you filed for divorce. Keep them somewhere safe instead.
- You cannot use your kids to blackmail your soon-to-be-ex. That is not fair for the children. In truth, it may make them hate you.
- Though it is not a requirement, you should avoid looking for a rebound romance. It may complicate the divorce process and put you on the losing end.
- You cannot rant about your soon-to-be-ex in front of your mutual friends and family, no matter how angry you feel. Since nothing is still final during the process, you may end up reconciling.
What should you not do during separation?
During separation, you should not do the following:
- Leave your spouse behind unless they threaten your life
- Commit violence
- Fight with each other where the kids can see or hear you
- Max out debit and credit cards out of anger
- Go on a social media rant
- Sign written agreements without letting a trustworthy lawyer analyze them first
Does divorce change your personality?
Yes, divorce changes your personality in the sense that you become bolder than ever.
What are the five stages of a divorce?
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
Is divorce a trauma?
Divorce is technically not a traumatic experience, primarily if you and your ex agree that it’s the best way to end your relationship. However, since one must coax the judge that the law should be more generous to them, they may resort to using every tactic to make the other person look badThat’s’sbadThat’s’sbadThat’s’sbadThat’s’s when the divorce becomes traumatic.
How stressful is a divorce?
A divorce is a severely stressful experience. That is specifically true if you have kids and joint investments.
Does divorce cause anxiety?
Yes, divorce causes anxiety. The reason is that it is a life-changing event that can make you feel powerless and unsure of your next move.
Which is more stressful, death or divorce?
Death will always be more stressful than divorce.
What are the signs of an unhappy marriage?
You are in an unhappy marriage if:
- You and your spouse no longer communicate healthily. Whenever you are in the same room, you either fight or make snide remarks about each other.
- You do not sleep together anymore.
- You prefer to be with your friends instead of going home to your spouse.
- You start to think that finding love elsewhere is fine, even though you know that cheating is wrong.
How do you know if your marriage is worth saving?
It is easy to know if your marriage is worth saving if:
- Neither you nor your significant other wants to leave the house, no matter how many things you fight about.
- You never resort to violence to hash things out.
- You have only drifted apart because you are both working hard for the kids.
- You continue to respect and care for one another.
- You are willing to try everything to bring the spark back into your marriage.
How do you know your marriage is over?
You know that your marriage is over if:
- You see each other on the opposite sides all the time, and no one wants to give in or at least compromise.
- You no longer view marriage as a great union between two destined individuals. Instead, it is nothing but a burden or prison in your eyes.
- You love to blame problems at home on each other. Even if you are at fault, you may find a way to make it theirs.
- You fail to remember what made you fall in love in the first place or what incredible memories you share.
Final Thoughts
The divorce made me reevaluate my priorities, but it was already too late to save my marriage. Rob went on to marry a wonderful woman, while I focused more on Nina and took on a less demanding role in the clothing company. I would always regret being the cause of our divorce, but I had to move on – that’s the only way to get rid of my depression.
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