Before the world panicked and went on a full lockdown state, everything in my life was fine. But now, I am confused. I experienced tons of anxiety and stress lately, and I merely want this pandemic to be over. I am so angry that I can’t find a specific way to express how I feel. I am hurt and disappointed with what was happening right now. But most importantly, I am devastated and heartbroken because this lockdown is supposed to strengthen my marriage. But unfortunately, it ruined it.
People are okay with the lockdown. They view it as an opportunity to bond with their families. But in my case, it was a disastrous moment. I was expecting the lockdown to give me and my husband time for each other. But unfortunately, he managed to use this situation to distance himself from me. I attempted to talk to him on this matter, and I was confident he could not avoid me. It is just the two of us in an empty house, so I thought there is no point in ignoring me. But I was wrong. The four corners of our home became my husband’s fortress for isolation.
Admittedly, we have an unresolved issue way before the outbreak happened. The cold gestures and all that silent treatment, it was a complicated matter that I know we need to address. And given the pandemic situation, I was hopeful that this particular measure would allow us to discuss our differences. But then again, I was only being too positive about fixing everything that I didn’t consider my husband’s say on reconciliation.
I Was Too Blind To See
Even before there was no pandemic situation, mobile addiction already controlled my husband. When he got up in the morning, the first thing he checked is his phone. Before he leaves for work, he always ensures that he had his device with him. And even when he got back from a tiring task at the office, he spends the rest of the day scrolling and watching videos in it. I was naïve to think that it was okay. I thought it is just part of the relationship where you allow your partner to do whatever he wants because he deserves it. But I was blind to see that so I never complained about it even once before. I failed to realize that his habit will grow to a severe psychological condition. And now that there is a lockdown, the situation attached him more to the mental illness.
For more than a month of being stuck in the house with a mobile addict, I realized that I need to help my husband. His condition was getting out of hand. So I tried to talk to him out of it. I was hopeful that my partner would appreciate and listen to me. Unfortunately, things went on a different path. Instead of my husband realizing his wrongdoings, he blamed me for what is happening to our marriage. I was speechless because I would never have thought that not being so strict about his smartphone usage could end up in a destructive argument. It was then that I realized that it was an argument that I lost a battle with long before this pandemic happened.
With no friends to physically comfort me in times like this, I feel so alone. Spending my entire home quarantine with a person who doesn’t want and love me anymore is far worse than getting infected with the Coronavirus. How I wish I could turn back time and recognize the damage of too much phone usage. Now, it’s too late.